Building Healthy Relationships with Media: Essential Skills for Children 10 and Younger

Do you ever find yourself arguing with your kids about screen time?

You are not alone! Often, families’ discussions about screens feel like a power struggle, full of negotiations and negatives. But they don’t have to be.

Screens are all around us, and help us work, laugh, learn, and escape from stress. Therefore, like you talk about food, sleep, school, or any other part of life, it’s important to find time to talk about media and technology. It can be anything from the latest movie or video game or something you hear about in the news. The key is to be open-minded, listen to our kids, and guide them without shame and blame. Even young kids can learn from conversations about online safety, how to recognize marketing, and being smart about what videos they watch. Children in elementary school may enjoy sharing their emerging opinions about technology.

Ideas for how to do it:

• (Age 6+) Be an influencer detective: If your child likes videos created by influencers, watch along with them and ask: “Why did they say that? Do you think someone paid them to put that in their video? Are they being real, or showing off? Do you think they get more ‘likes’ or earn more money that way?”
• (All ages) Family movie night: Pick a movie or show to watch together.  Have conversations about the characters, what happened, and what you agree  with and disagree with.

Technology can’t take up every minute of our downtime.

We need a good night’s sleep, time to talk to each other, and time to share food and laughs. Think about the family routines your family loves, whether it’s chatting on car rides, family meals, or dancing together, and make time for it. These are the things that we need to ensure tech doesn’t crowd out — for kids or parents.

Ideas for how to do it:

• (All ages) No-phone zones: Together with your family, decide on rooms of your home or times of day when you don’t want technology to invade, such as at the dinner table, in the car, or before bedtime.
• (All ages) Quiet those devices: Set do not disturb, focus mode, or other settings on devices so that unnecessary notifications don’t come through when you want quiet time.
• (All ages) Device free meals: Families who decide there’s “no tech at the table” can focus more on each other, having conversations, and enjoying the food they are eating.

Things you can say:

• Ages 2-3+:

  • Give a warning to help them transition away from screens, and help them come up with ideas for what to do next. “I’m going to set a timer for five more minutes, and then it will be time to do something else. What ideas do you have for what you want to play – maybe cars, Play-Doh, or stickers?”
  • “Let’s do a challenge where you turn off the iPad/game console/TV by yourself, without me having to remind you. Do you think you can do that?”
  • Help kids plan so that media doesn’t take up all of the day: “What’s your plan for using the iPad today? ” What’s your plan for doing other things too?”
  • “I am going to put my phone away for the night so we can have time together.”

• Ages 5+:

  • “It seems like you’re having a hard time putting your device down, let’s talk about that.”
  • “What makes you want to play that game every day?”

There is so much content out there for kids!

It’s your right to be choosy about what your kids watch and learn from. Pick videos, games, and movies with good storytelling and minimal marketing or ads. If you want something educational, go with shows that are proven to help kids learn, like Sesame Street or PBS KIDS. This helps kids understand that their minds can really engage with media — not just zone out.  

Ideas for how to do it:

• (All ages) Look it up: Common Sense Media rates thousands of movies, shows,  apps, games, and books to let you know whether they are worth your child’s attention, are too mature, or contain themes you’d rather not introduce yet.
• (All ages) Peek in on what they are watching: Part of monitoring kids’ media use is watching along — even for just a few minutes. If you don’t like what they are watching, talk about it and find alternatives.

Things you can say:

• Ages 2+:

  • When you see them watching something new, ask: “What do you like about this?" or "What happens on this show/game?” 
  • “Can you show me your favorite channel?”
  • “I’m not crazy about what that character just did. I thought it was rude. What do you think?”

During the COVID-19 pandemic, we all used media a little more to  manage stress and boredom.

But those habits don’t need to stick around. It’s a really important part of mental health to learn how to manage strong emotions and channel boredom into other activities that make us feel human. Many kids need to unwind and burn off a little steam when they come home from school, but make a time limit around technology so that this doesn’t take up the whole afternoon. Remember, managing emotions and boredom are skills that don’t come easily to all kids, so they need practice and help from caregivers.  

Ideas for how to do it/What to say:

• (Age 2+) Talk about emotions: “When you feel these big emotions, it’s okay. Emotions come and go. Let’s stretch our bodies reeeeeaaaaalllly big and take 5 deep slow breaths. When we’re done, let’s see how we feel.”
• (Age 4+) Help build insight into how technology makes us feel. “How does your brain and body feel after playing that game?”
• (All ages) Find alternatives: “Let’s try listening to some calm relaxing music” or “Instead of watching tv to go to bed, we are going to try reading a book. How about you pick out two books for us to read tonight?”
• (All ages) Recognize when your family is all sitting around looking at your own devices. “I’ve noticed that our family has been using our screens to help us calm down. Let’s talk about other ways we could calm down when we are stressed out.” 

We all see weird or upsetting stuff online sometimes.

Talk about it in a  non-judgmental way, so that your child knows it’s not their fault and they can come  to you to process it.  When they do see something upsetting, empower them to pause, think about it, block it, and report it. Kids should know that kindness and respect is the expectation online, and rudeness or violence is not.    

Ideas for how to do it/What to say:

• Ages 6+:

  • “I saw something rude in my social media feed today, and it made me upset.  Does that ever happen to you?”
  • “Do you ever see other kids being mean online/in your game? Why do you think they do that?”

When kids are young, we talk to them about street safety,  swimming safety, and other rules that come with exploring the world.

Safety rules for the digital world should include:  

1. Privacy about names, addresses, phone numbers, and passwords, 
2. Not chatting with strangers (who can sometimes pose as kids),  
3. Not clicking links or downloading things that can carry viruses, and
4. Unsafe websites that can show sexy or violent things. Kids can be impulsive  and curious, so it’s important to teach them these rules ahead of time, before they stumble into trouble. Having kid-safe filters and protections on devices or  Wi-Fi also helps.    

Ideas for how to do it/What to say:

• Ages 3+:

  • “Just like I teach you how to be safe crossing the street, it’s my job to teach you how to be safe when using your tablet.”

• Ages 5+:

  • “You wouldn’t post your name and address on a billboard, right? That’s why  we don’t share private information on a chat or game that anyone can see.”
  • “Computer viruses can make our laptop/tablet crash and not work. That’s why I help you decide what websites to visit and games to download.”
  • “If people online try to give you things, ask you for pictures or private information, or otherwise are making you feel weird, let me know and I can help you block them.”

Since the invention of social media, parents have shared billions of photos of their children online — often without kids’ permission.

While these photos can share joy, parents say they also can lead to negative social comparisons about picture-perfect parenting. These photos also contain a lot of data about children’s faces and locations. Experts recommend asking for your kids’ permission before posting photos or stories about them online. This helps teach children about consent and privacy, which may help them be a more responsible social media user as a teen.  

Ideas for how to do it/What to say:

• Ages 5+: If your child doesn’t like what you’ve posted, ask them why.  Sometimes children are embarrassed or might want more of a say in what pictures you decide to post.
• All ages: If you post pictures of your child(ren) on social media, show them. Younger children may not understand who else can see these posts, so you might need to explain it, like “My account is public, so anyone can see this” or “I only  share pictures with my good friends and people like grandma.”