Question: How do I help my young child handle big emotions without tantrums or aggression? 

 

Answer: Big feelings are a natural part of toddlerhood and managing them is a skill that your child can work on with you, so it’s wonderful that you’re already looking for ways to help. Tantrums and aggression are especially common in young children because they are still learning language and how to use words to express their feelings, and they’re also learning more complex skills like how to control their impulses and patience (delaying gratification) to help them handle these big emotions. Especially when a child doesn’t yet have the vocabulary to say what they’re feeling, tantrums are one way they can communicate their wants or needs and get immediate attention from a grown-up.  

While it’s completely understandable that tantrums or aggression might be frustrating for you to manage as a parent, one of the best ways you can help your child learn other ways to express their big feelings is by being calm yourself. It is ok to take your own "time out" for a minute to calm down, text a friend/partner, or use a breathing or self-regulation technique - then re-engage with your child.  

What parents and caregivers can do: 

  • Name the feeling: Encourage your child to use words to say what they are feeling and provide them with opportunities to practice identifying their feelings and communicating calmly and respectfully. Model these behaviors since children typically learn by observing and mimicking their parents and caregivers. “You’re feeling mad because your sister took your truck. It’s okay to feel mad, it’s not okay to hit. It’s my job to keep you safe, so I’m going to pick you up now while we calm our bodies.”  
  • Offer choices: Give your child the opportunity to make a choice in a moment of intense emotion can redirect them to feeling some element of control. “You’re feeling mad! You really wanted to keep playing with the truck, but it’s time for bed now. Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your striped ones?”  
  • Praise them when they use their words: Praise children and use positive reinforcement when they effectively communicate or identify their feelings instead of expressing them in tantrums and aggression. “I am so proud that you told me how mad/sad you are about having to go to bed instead of playing with your truck. Thank you for using your words! I don’t like it when I have to stop doing fun things either.” 
  • Establish a calming routine: Create a safe space together, like a “calm down corner,” for your child to go to when they are feeling overwhelmed. This could have a soft blanket or beanbag chair, books, a favorite stuffed animal, etc. A calming routine can also involve activities such as deep breathing exercises (sometimes called “belly breaths,” pushing the wall, listening to soothing music, or snuggling with a favorite stuffed animal. 
  • Identify the behavior: Determine which specific behavior (such as screaming, throwing, or breaking things) you want to focus on stopping and start there. Pinpointing one behavior allows you to clearly see what triggers it and create possible solutions or consequences to avoid it. For example, if a child throws his food on the floor when he doesn’t like what he’s being served for a meal, work together to prepare what to expect, give them a choice within reason (picking the color plate, the type of fruit, etc.), and a specific action they can do instead of throwing food when they feel angry. 
  • Be prepared for your child to occasionally resort back to their instinct to have a tantrum or display aggression. Young children are still learning about their emotions and developing how to handle them. There will be setbacks—this is normal! It’s a process that will take consistency and time. 

Remember that it’s normal for children to experience intense emotions and you are a guide for helping them navigate these feelings in a healthy way. You can also refer to this response in our portal for more tips related to tantrums. By using these strategies, you can help your child develop the skills and coping mechanisms they need to thrive. 

Resources for Parents and Caregivers 

 

Editor’s Note: We’d like to acknowledge the National Council on Mental Wellbeing’s partnership with the Center and their expert advice in helping draft this response.  

 

 

Age: 2-6 

Topics: Handling big emotions, tantrums, aggression, calm 

Role: Parent 

Last Updated

04/25/2024

Source

American Academy of Pediatrics